Thursday, July 31, 2008
FIRST LOVE (別怕我傷心 Do Not Be Afraid to Hurt Me)
This very sad song is sung by 張信哲. Lyrics goes:
別隱瞞 對我說 別怕我傷心
...... I was sitting down on my coffee table having my breakfast with my radio on as usual... I was enjoying the beautiful sea bathe in the exploding warmth and sunlight rays. Watching motor boats moving in a constant speed... I thanked God for the birth of this wonderful morning. All of a sudden, this song happened to play on my CD while I was mesmerized by the scene of the morning, I began to shift my attention on the lyrics of the song.... although I am almost illiterate when coming to Chinese language, surprisingly at that moment, I can understand the lyrics of the song... All of a sudden memories of my first love started to flood in.
BC was my first love at a tender age of 16 and just like any new love, our relationship was really naive. Although we were very very close to each other, we were very sensitive over holding hands or kissing as our families wanted us to stay out of trouble since we were so young. We both agreed that we would leave all these till we were both ready and when we turned 21 as we were really very young and what was in our mind at that time was to get through our examinations.
Our close relationship went on for about a year and a half when suddenly BC just disappeared from my sight. The second last time when we met for a serious talk was in our favourite meeting place - under the frangipani tree just behind my school's field. I was abit worried as he did not seem to sound like he used to be. During our talk, BC hinted that we were just too young into serious relationship and that his family said that we were just merely having puppy love and that we would go into our separate ways when we meet someone better in our later years. He just walked away without giving me a chance to defend my love for him. I was really deeply hurt by his action. After uncountable times of unanswered phone calls, I decided to look for his good friend, CH, for help.
CH knew about this incident and told me about BC has fallen in love with a girl whom he had met in a party. According to CH, BC felt that I am not as gentle as this girl and that his love for her has blossomed to a remarkable extent that he has given his first kiss to her. I stopped CH immediately as I knew I could not take the torment any longer... and I wanted a confrontation immediately and with the help of CH, I managed to meet BC for the very last time and straight from the horse's mouth, he confessed the entire story to me. He felt that I was too rugged, not pretty, not gentle as the girl as compared to his new found and I was too naive and simple minded. His final hurting words hit into my heart causing it to bled profusely..."I don't think we are made for each other, I think we have to let go,,, I'm sorry!"
I would have thought he had accepted me as what I was at that time - a "Plain Jane" girl, too poor to even afford for the cheapest cosmetics at that time! He knew how hard I have to juggle between part-time job, family and studies everyday and he should know better that I could not afford the time to think about dolling myself up... to look pretty (Isn't it in every girl's dream to appear pretty!!)
Have he forgotten the beautiful things we have done together - The many long beach walk we have taken during dawn and sunset, the many soaked-to-the-skin walk from school during rainy days, sharing of our favourite chocolate ice-cream in swenson, the beautiful music he played with his clarinet under the frangipani tree, the jokes we have cracked on each other, the many smiles, laughters and cries we had together, the long marathon overnight phone calls we made to each other, the little promises we made together, the carvings he made on the frangipani tree, the little brown bear he bought from his savings... has he forgotten them all? Where have they gone? Aren't these fond moments of our life together? Aren't they precious to him at all? Has he not felt my love at all?
Harbouring a very deep wound in my heart, my last words to him was "All the best to you" before walking away feeling like the world has torn apart. Since then I have stopped communicating with him. I knew he tried to call me a couple of times, perhaps out of guilt, and the temptation to pick up the phone hoping to hear him say "I'm Sorry, lets get together again" was so great at times. I somehow, did not do so as I knew I would be disappointed and wounded again.
It is not so much of hating BC and/or his new girlfriend, no... it was not really hatred but I was too hurt to even see him or hear his voice! My love for him was so deep that it was just impossible to hate him even though he has broken my heart. As a saying goes, relationship can only work when two hands clap together.. it is just that mine works only with one hand... so it failed miserably.
Forgetting BC was really a chore and I really had a hard time doing so. During this time, CH had played a very important role in my life immediately. He had become the pillar that I could lean on whenever I needed it. However we were unable to get together as I could not forget BC... Nevertheless I will never forget CH for being so supportive and loving. He has opened my eyes to other dimensions in life. Thank you CH.
I could not control my tears from rolling down my cheeks and even right now while keying the story of my first love, my eyes are blinded with tears. It was a very sad moment of my life.
My first love has left me with great hurt..... Did I miss you BC and the happy moments we have had before? Yes I did but they were past history. I am looking forward to my next path of life.......I am still seeking for true love and happiness..
This is my message to you BC: